Before I begin, I need to say something. I am lucky to have a friend who will call me out when I’m throwing softballs and will push me to tackle the tough shit. She won’t want public recognition, but without her I could not have finished this post so she’s getting it.
Now, lessons in white privilege: Let me tell you a story…
To my non-POC readers, let me attempt to explain what happens to me as a women of color in this world. You may think the news stories are exaggerated, you may believe that Trump isn’t as bad as the facebook posts say, but it’s a very different experience for me and I don’t get the privilege to ignore it.
I recently sat for the bar, as avid readers will know, this wasn’t my first time. One of the proctors of my exam, the one assigned to my section, was an older white woman, assumably a baby boomer. The first day of the exam she haphazardly tossed everything at me that she had to hand out with the excuse of, “Oh, sorry. I should not have thrown that at you.”
Now, the first time this occurred, I gave her the benefit of the doubt, I figured it’s no big deal because I understand how something can slip from one’s hands when you’re handing it to someone else. But in each subsequent test session, whether it was a wristband or an answer booklet, it was tossed at me with the false apology of “I should not have thrown that at you.” I doubt her sincerity, I even doubt that it was accidental at this point. I did not witness her having this exchange with anyone else in my section.
Then, in one of my legally mandated rest periods, we had the following conversation:
Proctor: “I don’t want to be a wise ass, but have you taken this before?”
Me: *blank stare & panicked thoughts of “what did I do wrong?”* “Yes.”
Proctor: “Oh, because I thought you looked familiar.”
This brief conversation distracted me. Did I look familiar because of all the bar examinees that have come in and out of here for her during her tenure and she is that observant to recognize me? I know she has never been my proctor before and perhaps it is possible she recognized my face from 7-12 months ago (the last 2 times I sat). I’m dubious.
If you’re unfamiliar with sitting for the bar, you usually sit in a row of five seats across, there is a seat card with your personally identifiable information on it designating where you sit. At the beginning of both days one & two you flip the card over and fill in your name, date of birth, city of birth, and sign it. You sign it again when you come back from lunch. The proctor picks them up at some point in the afternoon session.
On day two, the afternoon session is about to start. We’ve been instructed to sign the card for the afternoon session and the proctor is walking around my section stopping and talking to some people and not others. She’s behind me, I’m focused, and rarely turn around; and I assume if it were relevant to everyone in the room the person at the microphone will share with the class.
The proctor picks up the seat card of the middle-aged black man to my left, turns it over and then puts it down. She does the same to my card and then to the young black man to my right. I don’t think anything of it. I have other things on my mind, like you know, passing the bar exam. I know some people are incapable of following instructions and assume she is double checking to make sure it was filled out correctly aka doing her job
. Then, just after she puts down the card of the young man to my right, she says this, “Someone in my section was born in a place that starts with a “G” and I’ve never heard of it before. I can’t find it now. It was a black person so I’m checking your cards.”
Silence. My heart stopped. No. This cannot be real. This woman, who is paid by a professional company to ensure a fair and honest examination setting decided to enter my brain. My brain that is already stressed to the max.
The three of us all looked at each other. Uncertain of what to say, if we should say anything. How to react, if we should react at all. I knew I was helpless in the situation and just had to take it, as usual. Almost simultaneously we all gave a nervous laugh and shook our heads (mine in disgust) as she walked away – walked right to the front row to check the card of the last black person in our section, in search of the mysterious birth location that begins with “G” and bypasses everyone who is presumably of the caucasian persuasion.
This proctor does not dictate whether I pass or fail. Her sole responsibility, is to ensure I didn’t cheat and to not lose my test. To some, it seems harmless. However, to be sitting in an allegedly neutral exam, in a supposedly neutral environment and to be singled out for your race is not harmless. I’m black and the proctor was white. It was upsetting. Yay, another reminder that my race comes first and usually not in my favor. It shifts your mindset and I had three more hours of day 2 to get through. I suddenly felt very exposed and on guard even more so than I already am on a daily basis because of situations like this that are forced upon me on a regular basis.
And suddenly the repeated slip of the hand with the faux apology and the “you look familiar” remark that I’ve already experienced are not so benign.
I was angry. I am angry. The board of bar examiners cannot allow their proctors to disrupt my examination. This woman, should not have felt so entitled to parade through the room and find out who was born where. If she was not informing me that I have to tuck in the hood of my hoodie or that my water bottle MUST be UNDER my seat and specifically NOT next to it, she should promptly shut the fuck up.
Instead, things will remain the same: People, like this proctor, will continue to walk about on their entitlement and encroach on the sanity and safety of others. And those others, people of color like me, will have to continue to shoulder that extra burden of being seen as a color before being seen as a person. The Board of Bar Overseers isn’t going to do anything about it. In fact, I’m waiting for the templated reply letter to my complaint. Something to the effect of, “the experience being necessary to be able to handle life’s adversities & challenges” with not a single shred of acknowledgement that the proctor was in the wrong.
~NV~
uggest you shop around. Enrolling in every bar association can be inefficient and costly. You’ll end up spending all your time dashing between events and having no time to practice or being overwhelmed and attending none and meanwhile wasting the $500-$1000/year you’re shelling out for memberships.
like me who couldn’t believe it was happening until that moment where they
Sustained Sanity 